*buzz on the intercom* “Romeo, can I see you in my office please. NOW.”

“Uh-oh. What did I do now?” I wondered as I slowly made my way to Mother’s “office” (aka her room but she likes to feel important).

“Romeo, please sit. Sit. SIT I SAY!”

I comply and look at her with the saddest face I could muster hoping I won’t get into too much trouble. Ohmigod, what if she takes away my treats?!

“It has come to my attention that your adolescence has not ended. I don’t understand. I thought you were all grown up. Explain yourself.”

“Err.. I have urges. I have strong desires to sniff and meet every female I meet and suss out every male competition I come across! I didn’t mean anything by it!” I cry, keeping my legs closed tightly in hopes she doesn’t realise the true cause of my behaviours.

“You can uncross your legs boy. I cannot neuter you.”

PHEW!!!

“BUT you must learn to pay me more heed, do you hear me? I cannot simply cease to exist the moment we walk out the front door. You MUST place Mother above all else - above females, pee smells, whatever. You must LOOK AT MUMMY from time to time. You must check in with me.”

“Whaaaaat.” Oops. Shouldn’t have said that out loud. Mother narrows her eyes to thin slits. Her eyes drill holes into my head.

“I will teach you how to do this since you clearly don’t know how. I will teach you how to give me ATTENTION.”

Uhoh here it comes!

“From now on, you will not have free access to anything outdoors. You will no longer be allowed off leash or to dog parks. You will be tethered to me at all times until you learn the meaning of ATTENTION. You will not be permitted to sniff or mark any tree, pole, bush or other object when we are outdoors. You will (as far as possible) not be allowed to meet dogs anymore.”

“WHAT! No! That’s unfair! UNREASONABLE! I wil call the Sheltie Union on you!” say I as I bang my paw on her desk in a show of false bravado.

“Oh you and your pigheaded demon-spawn stubborn crazy behaviour. Sit your ass down! I’m not done. If you want to be able to do any of what I am now restricting, you may. PROVIDED you look at me.”

Huh. WTF. I stare back at her blankly. Me no comprehende.

Mother purses her lips. “Geez, when you’re a teen your brain goes too doesn’t it? I MEAN, every time you look at me, you will be rewarded with whatever you so really want to do, like tree sniffing. If we are on a walk, for example, you will be required to walk close to me on loose leash and not sniff anything at all. If you do, for whatever reason hallelujah praise the Lord, actually LOOK ME IN THE EYES, I will let you mark and sniff the nearest tree to your heart’s content.”

*mumble mumble* “yeeeea alright….” *more moaning and groaning*

“I’m tired of your teenage don’t give a damn about mum behaviour. It makes Mother feel like a pile of doodoo. Ok, you’re dismissed.

Oh wait. I forgot to tell you. We’ve got a new comer joining us soon. A girlie called Juliet. She will be your sister. You had better buck up before she gets here and set a good example for her to follow! Or else!! Ok now go. Shoo shoo. Give mummy some time alone to play Cafe World and Farmville.” as Mother shuts the door behind me.

Juliet? What? Who??

If you haven’t already realised, Mother is a big fan of Nina Ottosson’s toys. HUGE fan.

Here are two old videos Mother made of me playing with the Dog Casino and Dog Brick. Pfffft. Easy peasy!

Hah! I’m FAMOUS! All famous people are immortalized in drawings and I AM ONE OF THEM! Thanks to a little girlie named Carol who so kindly sketched a picture of me as a Christmas present! How awesome is this!! Carol’s only 12 but she’s going to be a great artist one day, I can tell! This sketch of me is going to be worth tons! THANKS CAROL! I heart you!

Check me out in all my graphite glory.

I’m Santa’s little helper this year (No thanks to Mother. She should have listened to Father who said the ears were a waste of money, but noooo.. “it’s so cute! He’ll look adorable in it!” Boo.) Don’t leave your milk and cookies out for Santa coz I’mma gonna get them! Nom nom nom..

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Today Mother took clicker training to new heights. She’d inadvertently locked herself and me out of the house (again mind you) this morning when we got back after swimming. Sadly for her she couldn’t fit through the grills (I’d told her to go on a diet, but no, the Christmas goodies were too hard for her to resist), but I could run into the house and rub my face all over the couch while she stood there thinking what the heck to do.

There is a key inside the house which she’d tried to grab but this time she’d knocked it too far for her to reach. “ARRRGGGHH!!!! *censored* How am I going to get into the house!?!?” she screamed.

What then did Mother do?

What every clicker trainer with a dog in the house might do. She clicker trained her way to the key!

She had with her some leftover treats from the morning and of course her trusty clicker. She waved a treat in front of me and pointed frantically at the key in her desperation, telling me to “bring it here” repeatedly. I however, couldn’t see the key and fetched her all of my toys except the key. Groaning in frustration, she stumbled upon a way to get me to notice the key on the ground. She started throwing treats at it, but that didn’t work of course. Then she got me to fetch her a ball toy and tossed that. It did the trick and jingled the key which caught my attention. The minute my nose hit the key for a sniff - CLICK! Mother clicked for every nose touch, then tried to get me to pick it up. But the silly woman never taught me to pick up small metal articles before so I was abit wary of doing that. I think she probably realised she didn’t have enough treats to go through the whole process and decided to click for pawing the key towards her, and I do love to use my paws!

10 minutes later, Mother was at the fridge taking out a knuckle bone as a reward for my hard work. I’m not sure if she’ll learn her lesson and take a key with her whenever she leaves the house or if she’ll see this as a challenge and actually put key-taking on cue! Burglary by clicker training anyone?

Have any of you ever fought with a monkey? I nearly did!

Mother took me to Sentosa recently to look at a possibly wedding dinner venue (she didn’t like it in the end) and we were making our way to my favourite “exhibit”, the giant turtles. On the way there, we had to pass a forested area, and as we were walking closer, a monkey appeared. It looked male and it was big. Mother muttered something about it possibly being the leader or alpha of the rest of the monkeys we could hear behind the trees. She eyed the monkey very cautiously, who had made its way down the tree and onto the road. We were less than 10 meters away! Mother stopped of course when she saw the monkey on the road, worried about going further. I don’t know why though coz I can surely take him on!! GRRR *strikes macho pose*

Next thing I knew, Mother turned around and walked back where we came from. I wouldn’t let it go of course and constantly turned around and started to growl and bark abit, which alarmed Mother and she hushed me and tried to distract me from the monkey. Mother turned around at one point and saw that the monkey was hissing, baring teeth and started to come closer. She picked up the pace and practically dragged my “ready for a fight” ass away. Thankfully (to mom) the monkey did not follow.

Mother said her heart was pounding and she was mentally preparing herself to fight the monkey and keep me from harm. I was thinking of all the ways I could tear that monkey apart!! I don’t know why Mother thinks she needs to protect me. Pfft. I am MANLY MACHO RAMBO ROMEO. I can take that puny primate!

After her heartbeat returned to normal, she wondered what we did that could have ticked the monkey off. Then she burst out laughing.

“What? What, Mother?!”

“I think the monkey thought YOU were an intruding monkey. You’re the same colour as he was! And furry! And about the same size! Teeheehee. You look like this! Hahaha! Mommy’s little monkey boy! ”

“…… *grumbles*  I think that monkey’s friggin’ blind.”

Who is this poor little puppy, coughing away, having to battle pneumonia at 3.5 months of age?

That would be me.

This is one of my favourite toys! And I think Mother’s favourite too. Of course, her reasons are different from mine. I love it coz it throws out treats now and then! Mother loves it coz she says it keeps me very occupied and she can go do something else instead of trying to entertain me 24/7. She says I get bored easily (which is true) and this toy keeps me busy for a bit while I’m playing with it and for a little bit after that too coz I’m usually tired from knocking and chasing it around for so long. Great workout!

I can just about hear your mums going “What great invention is this and where can I get it?!?” It’s called the Dog Pyramid because it is sort of triangular with a wider base which is weighted, making it much much harder to get the treats out than those other toys which you just roll and everything comes out. It was created by Nina Ottoson. I have a love-hate relationship with that woman. She makes great toys that always involve treats but I have to really use my brain! When she makes out that just dispense treats every second she will top my list of favourite people. 

Mother: *AHEM*

Er.. after Mother of course.

The downside to this brilliant invention is that it is made of plastic. And is heavy by dog toy standards. These 2 combined with the force of my muzzle smacking it across the room can break things. Like glass cabinets. And Mother’s toe. Ok I didn’t break her toe but she’s yelped in pain several times when that slowpoke didn’t manage to get out of the way in time. I slam it against walls, doors, etc. It can get quite noisy if played on wooden floors but should be much quieter on carpet.

Mother got it from Haute Hound but here’s a listing of other places you can find it online.

Here’s me on a night Mother had something else to do than to pander to my every need.

For those of you with mums that are clicker fans, you may have found yourself in a similar situation as I recently have, when they decide it might be fun to play 101 things to do with a basket.

I helped Mother make my treats! They are made of a combination of liver, kidneys (from pig, chicken or lamb), egg (with shell), rolled oats, flaxseed, flour, seameal powder and garlic. Blend together (it will look and smell gross at this point, pourable but not too thin or thick either),  spread onto a large pan (Mother makes 2 different batches using different organs and puts them on the same tray), then bake until cooked through (about 15 mins). Cool and slice into strips then pack them into airtight containers and freeze!

I am an eager beaver.

See how I helped Mother - such dirty, tiring and tedious work! But someone has to do it!