*buzz on the intercom* “Romeo, can I see you in my office please. NOW.”

“Uh-oh. What did I do now?” I wondered as I slowly made my way to Mother’s “office” (aka her room but she likes to feel important).

“Romeo, please sit. Sit. SIT I SAY!”

I comply and look at her with the saddest face I could muster hoping I won’t get into too much trouble. Ohmigod, what if she takes away my treats?!

“It has come to my attention that your adolescence has not ended. I don’t understand. I thought you were all grown up. Explain yourself.”

“Err.. I have urges. I have strong desires to sniff and meet every female I meet and suss out every male competition I come across! I didn’t mean anything by it!” I cry, keeping my legs closed tightly in hopes she doesn’t realise the true cause of my behaviours.

“You can uncross your legs boy. I cannot neuter you.”

PHEW!!!

“BUT you must learn to pay me more heed, do you hear me? I cannot simply cease to exist the moment we walk out the front door. You MUST place Mother above all else - above females, pee smells, whatever. You must LOOK AT MUMMY from time to time. You must check in with me.”

“Whaaaaat.” Oops. Shouldn’t have said that out loud. Mother narrows her eyes to thin slits. Her eyes drill holes into my head.

“I will teach you how to do this since you clearly don’t know how. I will teach you how to give me ATTENTION.”

Uhoh here it comes!

“From now on, you will not have free access to anything outdoors. You will no longer be allowed off leash or to dog parks. You will be tethered to me at all times until you learn the meaning of ATTENTION. You will not be permitted to sniff or mark any tree, pole, bush or other object when we are outdoors. You will (as far as possible) not be allowed to meet dogs anymore.”

“WHAT! No! That’s unfair! UNREASONABLE! I wil call the Sheltie Union on you!” say I as I bang my paw on her desk in a show of false bravado.

“Oh you and your pigheaded demon-spawn stubborn crazy behaviour. Sit your ass down! I’m not done. If you want to be able to do any of what I am now restricting, you may. PROVIDED you look at me.”

Huh. WTF. I stare back at her blankly. Me no comprehende.

Mother purses her lips. “Geez, when you’re a teen your brain goes too doesn’t it? I MEAN, every time you look at me, you will be rewarded with whatever you so really want to do, like tree sniffing. If we are on a walk, for example, you will be required to walk close to me on loose leash and not sniff anything at all. If you do, for whatever reason hallelujah praise the Lord, actually LOOK ME IN THE EYES, I will let you mark and sniff the nearest tree to your heart’s content.”

*mumble mumble* “yeeeea alright….” *more moaning and groaning*

“I’m tired of your teenage don’t give a damn about mum behaviour. It makes Mother feel like a pile of doodoo. Ok, you’re dismissed.

Oh wait. I forgot to tell you. We’ve got a new comer joining us soon. A girlie called Juliet. She will be your sister. You had better buck up before she gets here and set a good example for her to follow! Or else!! Ok now go. Shoo shoo. Give mummy some time alone to play Cafe World and Farmville.” as Mother shuts the door behind me.

Juliet? What? Who??

If you haven’t already realised, Mother is a big fan of Nina Ottosson’s toys. HUGE fan.

Here are two old videos Mother made of me playing with the Dog Casino and Dog Brick. Pfffft. Easy peasy!

Today Mother took clicker training to new heights. She’d inadvertently locked herself and me out of the house (again mind you) this morning when we got back after swimming. Sadly for her she couldn’t fit through the grills (I’d told her to go on a diet, but no, the Christmas goodies were too hard for her to resist), but I could run into the house and rub my face all over the couch while she stood there thinking what the heck to do.

There is a key inside the house which she’d tried to grab but this time she’d knocked it too far for her to reach. “ARRRGGGHH!!!! *censored* How am I going to get into the house!?!?” she screamed.

What then did Mother do?

What every clicker trainer with a dog in the house might do. She clicker trained her way to the key!

She had with her some leftover treats from the morning and of course her trusty clicker. She waved a treat in front of me and pointed frantically at the key in her desperation, telling me to “bring it here” repeatedly. I however, couldn’t see the key and fetched her all of my toys except the key. Groaning in frustration, she stumbled upon a way to get me to notice the key on the ground. She started throwing treats at it, but that didn’t work of course. Then she got me to fetch her a ball toy and tossed that. It did the trick and jingled the key which caught my attention. The minute my nose hit the key for a sniff - CLICK! Mother clicked for every nose touch, then tried to get me to pick it up. But the silly woman never taught me to pick up small metal articles before so I was abit wary of doing that. I think she probably realised she didn’t have enough treats to go through the whole process and decided to click for pawing the key towards her, and I do love to use my paws!

10 minutes later, Mother was at the fridge taking out a knuckle bone as a reward for my hard work. I’m not sure if she’ll learn her lesson and take a key with her whenever she leaves the house or if she’ll see this as a challenge and actually put key-taking on cue! Burglary by clicker training anyone?

Have any of you ever fought with a monkey? I nearly did!

Mother took me to Sentosa recently to look at a possibly wedding dinner venue (she didn’t like it in the end) and we were making our way to my favourite “exhibit”, the giant turtles. On the way there, we had to pass a forested area, and as we were walking closer, a monkey appeared. It looked male and it was big. Mother muttered something about it possibly being the leader or alpha of the rest of the monkeys we could hear behind the trees. She eyed the monkey very cautiously, who had made its way down the tree and onto the road. We were less than 10 meters away! Mother stopped of course when she saw the monkey on the road, worried about going further. I don’t know why though coz I can surely take him on!! GRRR *strikes macho pose*

Next thing I knew, Mother turned around and walked back where we came from. I wouldn’t let it go of course and constantly turned around and started to growl and bark abit, which alarmed Mother and she hushed me and tried to distract me from the monkey. Mother turned around at one point and saw that the monkey was hissing, baring teeth and started to come closer. She picked up the pace and practically dragged my “ready for a fight” ass away. Thankfully (to mom) the monkey did not follow.

Mother said her heart was pounding and she was mentally preparing herself to fight the monkey and keep me from harm. I was thinking of all the ways I could tear that monkey apart!! I don’t know why Mother thinks she needs to protect me. Pfft. I am MANLY MACHO RAMBO ROMEO. I can take that puny primate!

After her heartbeat returned to normal, she wondered what we did that could have ticked the monkey off. Then she burst out laughing.

“What? What, Mother?!”

“I think the monkey thought YOU were an intruding monkey. You’re the same colour as he was! And furry! And about the same size! Teeheehee. You look like this! Hahaha! Mommy’s little monkey boy! ”

“…… *grumbles*  I think that monkey’s friggin’ blind.”

For those of you with mums that are clicker fans, you may have found yourself in a similar situation as I recently have, when they decide it might be fun to play 101 things to do with a basket.

Here’s another silly thing Mother made me learn. Bro Taylor, I blame your mum for giving Mother ideas!!! Mother was all excited and like “Auntie M has a great training idea boy! Let’s give it a try”. Next thing I knew I was being made to walk backwards around her. *grumble*

Did I mention that Mother is now training the other direction? *grumble grumble*

Mother bought this basketball hoop thingy from someone and decided to train me to become the next NBA Superstar! The ball that came with the hoop set was alot bigger and I couldn’t hold it in my mouth for long so Mother went and bought a smaller one. I’m the next Michael Jordan! I can slamdunk (sorta)!

(Scene: Mother snoring sleeping, me pacing the bed.)

Me: Mother.. *nudges her face with my nose* Mother wake up.

Mother: *grumble mumble* mm.. nnn..

Me: Hello, Mother! Wakey wakey! *nudges her face again* Mother!

Mother: *mumble* Go away boy.

(repeat above for another 15 minutes)

Me: *more frantic* MOTHER! WAKE UP!

Mother: (no response)

Me: *tries to get off the bed by climbing down the bedside table*

(Something clatters to the floor.)

Mother: What the. *stirs* What do you want Romeo..

Me: MUMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! *nudges her face again and looks desperately at the floor from the bed*

(Mother grumbles and airlifts me off the bed onto the floor.)

Me: *runs to the peetray* AAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Ooh oh wait wait for it.. *sputter sputter… ploop ploop ploooop* AAAHHHHHHhhhh. Relief at last.

Mother: *stares at the contents that fell out of my body, understanding dawning on her face* Ooohhh. *sheepish* Sorry boy, mummy forgot to give you enough bone with your rich lamb shank dinner. Teehee. Oopsie. Good thing you know not to do it on the bed! How long did you have to control? You didn’t take long to wake me up did you? Heehee.

Me: -.- So. Not. Funny. *punishes Mother by making her wash my furry butt at 5am in the morning*

(The End.)

Teehee. She can forget about a new rug too - I love digging at that as well!

A couple of weeks back, Ichigo and his family joined us for a swim at Club4Paws! We had the place to ourselves and we had so much fun! Funnily though, I’ve met Ichigo sooo many times before (he goes to West Coast dog run all the time too), and I’ve never played with him. But that day, we were playfighting all the way! Mother hadn’t seen me “boxing” before - she was very amused. She didn’t think I had it in me. Hmpf. I showed her! I don’t always play like a girl!! Mother says though, if you watch my tail in the videos you can see that I’m a bit more of a pansy than Ichigo. His tail almost never went down! I know that I was pissing him off at some point because the playing got more rough and growly and snappy! In both videos below, I am the noisy barky one always with my mouth open chasing Ichigo. Easy to spot eh?

Today we went to the pool again and met another West Coast dog run regular. I forget his name, we never play together. He looks like a german shepherd doberman pinscher cross. He came to the pool today with his dad and his human siblings wearing a choke chain and a leash. They never took the leash off. Instead his father dragged the pup unceremoniously into the pool (cue choking gagging sounds - when I say drag I really mean drag). Of course the pup moved his ass when he felt the pressure closing off his throat and windpipe. His lovely family then proceeded to DRAG the pup by the leash across the length of the pool. The pup is no Michael Phelps. He didn’t like and didn’t really know how to swim (like me before, just hitting the water with his paws struggling to keep his head above the water). Mother stood shocked and speechless. She knew if she said something she’d get yelled at, and her aggro day was Friday, and it had passed so we left the pool. She didn’t want to watch this dangerous method of “training” any more.

In the car, she ranted about how she didn’t understand how people can continue to argue the point that choke chains are perfectly fine if the user knows how to use it, when it’s so widely available without so much as a small “how-to” tag. Fact of the matter is, the vast majority of the people don’t know how to use it and it should not be a tool used for training by the masses. It should not be sold over the counter at all. Out of 10 random people using choke chains 9 will pull the dog to compliance by the chain, effectively strangulating the poor dog, instead of giving it a quick tug as pro-choke chain people will say is the correct method of using the chain. I don’t know why these people can’t be a little more patient. It took Mother only 4 sessions at the pool to get me swimming ON MY OWN. By the 4 session, I was moving off into the deeper end and pushing myself into the water without any hands on me, without any leash. All it took was lotsa smelly treats and Mother’s “Yay! Go Romeo! You’re the next Michael Phelps!” and her singing the Finding Nemo “Just Keep Swimming” song. I don’t even need treats now - I just get into the water by myself and swim to the other end without even getting a whiff of liver. Never once did I have to worry about being strangled while being surrounded by what I had feared.