(Scene: Mother snoring sleeping, me pacing the bed.)

Me: Mother.. *nudges her face with my nose* Mother wake up.

Mother: *grumble mumble* mm.. nnn..

Me: Hello, Mother! Wakey wakey! *nudges her face again* Mother!

Mother: *mumble* Go away boy.

(repeat above for another 15 minutes)

Me: *more frantic* MOTHER! WAKE UP!

Mother: (no response)

Me: *tries to get off the bed by climbing down the bedside table*

(Something clatters to the floor.)

Mother: What the. *stirs* What do you want Romeo..

Me: MUMMMMMYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! *nudges her face again and looks desperately at the floor from the bed*

(Mother grumbles and airlifts me off the bed onto the floor.)

Me: *runs to the peetray* AAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Ooh oh wait wait for it.. *sputter sputter… ploop ploop ploooop* AAAHHHHHHhhhh. Relief at last.

Mother: *stares at the contents that fell out of my body, understanding dawning on her face* Ooohhh. *sheepish* Sorry boy, mummy forgot to give you enough bone with your rich lamb shank dinner. Teehee. Oopsie. Good thing you know not to do it on the bed! How long did you have to control? You didn’t take long to wake me up did you? Heehee.

Me: -.- So. Not. Funny. *punishes Mother by making her wash my furry butt at 5am in the morning*

(The End.)

Teehee. She can forget about a new rug too – I love digging at that as well!

A couple of weeks back, Ichigo and his family joined us for a swim at Club4Paws! We had the place to ourselves and we had so much fun! Funnily though, I’ve met Ichigo sooo many times before (he goes to West Coast dog run all the time too), and I’ve never played with him. But that day, we were playfighting all the way! Mother hadn’t seen me “boxing” before – she was very amused. She didn’t think I had it in me. Hmpf. I showed her! I don’t always play like a girl!! Mother says though, if you watch my tail in the videos you can see that I’m a bit more of a pansy than Ichigo. His tail almost never went down! I know that I was pissing him off at some point because the playing got more rough and growly and snappy! In both videos below, I am the noisy barky one always with my mouth open chasing Ichigo. Easy to spot eh?

Today we went to the pool again and met another West Coast dog run regular. I forget his name, we never play together. He looks like a german shepherd doberman pinscher cross. He came to the pool today with his dad and his human siblings wearing a choke chain and a leash. They never took the leash off. Instead his father dragged the pup unceremoniously into the pool (cue choking gagging sounds – when I say drag I really mean drag). Of course the pup moved his ass when he felt the pressure closing off his throat and windpipe. His lovely family then proceeded to DRAG the pup by the leash across the length of the pool. The pup is no Michael Phelps. He didn’t like and didn’t really know how to swim (like me before, just hitting the water with his paws struggling to keep his head above the water). Mother stood shocked and speechless. She knew if she said something she’d get yelled at, and her aggro day was Friday, and it had passed so we left the pool. She didn’t want to watch this dangerous method of “training” any more.

In the car, she ranted about how she didn’t understand how people can continue to argue the point that choke chains are perfectly fine if the user knows how to use it, when it’s so widely available without so much as a small “how-to” tag. Fact of the matter is, the vast majority of the people don’t know how to use it and it should not be a tool used for training by the masses. It should not be sold over the counter at all. Out of 10 random people using choke chains 9 will pull the dog to compliance by the chain, effectively strangulating the poor dog, instead of giving it a quick tug as pro-choke chain people will say is the correct method of using the chain. I don’t know why these people can’t be a little more patient. It took Mother only 4 sessions at the pool to get me swimming ON MY OWN. By the 4 session, I was moving off into the deeper end and pushing myself into the water without any hands on me, without any leash. All it took was lotsa smelly treats and Mother’s “Yay! Go Romeo! You’re the next Michael Phelps!” and her singing the Finding Nemo “Just Keep Swimming” song. I don’t even need treats now – I just get into the water by myself and swim to the other end without even getting a whiff of liver. Never once did I have to worry about being strangled while being surrounded by what I had feared.

I CAN SWIM! And while I’m not enjoying it thoroughly I no longer freeze when I’m in the pool! Mother was so proud of me when on my own accord, I got the courage to walk into the deeper part of the pool and started to paddle across. She was amused when I started offering her the swimming behaviour over and over! And even more amused when Kayla came along and I’d swim around the pool just to try and catch hold of the elusive pretty one! We’re going again to Club4Paws this Saturday at 9am! If you’re free (and up at that time of the day on a weekend), join us!

I was thiiiiiis close to hating swimming all over again last Saturday. All because of a boisterous young pup and his parents. When I’m learning how to swim, please can you NOT jump on my head, thank you very much! I don’t need help in drowning. Don’t come and splash water and paw my face when I’m chilling on the steps of the pool either. Not appreciated! As it is, I don’t really like dogs and I most certainly don’t like dogs in my face when I’m in a situation I don’t quite enjoy and have trouble running away from! Still, you are just a little pup, and you don’t know any better. Your parents however, inexcusable! They should have been more considerate and tried to teach you some manners and should have made some attempt to control you from ruining others’ swimming experience!

Mother, as she was being jumped on by the labrador pup and as she swatted him off me, being her usual self,  turned to the pup’s mum and said “Can you please stop your dog from jumping on mine?” To which pup’s mum replied “This is a public pool ok!” What exactly is the relevance of that? Did we say “please leave the pool?” No. We asked that you control your damn dog woman. “How to control! It’s a dog! How am I supposed to control it?” Well firstly, you could put a collar on your dog. Why can Mother control me and you can’t control your own pup? Mother and I put up with the pup’s nonsense since the week before last when they were also there. Mother made such amazing progress with me but when the pup came and jumped on me in the pool, I refused to swim across by myself again. She wanted to strangle someone. I was amazed she didn’t yell or call the woman stupid and ignorant. Must be because she didn’t want Kayla’s mum to think her nuts. She’s got too much balls this one.

The father of the pup clearly knew his pup was being a nuisance. He tried to stop the dog (badly) but at least he did. Mother (and I) don’t mind if the pup jumps on mum coz she’s prepared to get wet but NOT ON ME PLEASE. I’m freaked out enough as it is. I really don’t need any more help in that department. It was only when the pup jumped on another pup having its first swim, dunking the poor tot’s head under the water (with an “OEI!” yelled out by the new swimming baby’s folks) that the lab’s parents headed off. All the better. Everyone had a pleasant swimming experience after that. And I could resume chasing Kayla in the pool.

Can’t wait to swim again next week! More of that disgustingly smelly and super yummy baked chicken gizzard!!

Motheeeerrr…. I don’t want to study anymore!! I’m tired! Look how hard I concentrate!

 Really. It is against the law to make a dog work this hard. 

*pouts*

Someone please give my Mother some ideas on what to train me. She’s hit some kind of rut. She’s bored with the old stuff and doesn’t want to work on improving and proofing them. Instead she insists on teaching my more stupid new tricks. Like this one.

Can anyone hear my howls of despair? Little girls?!? LITTLE GIRLS?!? Who’s a little girl! I’m a big manly macho man Randy Savage type Alpha male! Grrrr.

If you’re wondering how I was taught to do this, well, it was equally humiliating. Mother stuck a post it on my face, and as I pawed it, she clicked and gave me a treat. “Post its are too big and they don’t stick as well! You’re not going to paw your face unless it’s there. I need something transparent, something you can feel but can’t see… hmmm…” *Mother taps her chin*

“STICKY DOTS!” Huh? What the? Oh geez. It’s those clear little sticky dots that Grandpa’s company sells. Like thicker double sided coin sized scotch tape. Well, suffice to say, that worked. TOO WELL. *howls*

Mother constantly says to me “Boy, it’s important that you develop good self control ok? You must learn that even when you’re super excited and aroused, when mummy asks you to do something, your brain must function! It must work! In order to do this you must learn self control.” What the heck for Mother? “So that if you see a bird, which gets you really excited and which you reeeeally want to chase, I can easily get you to go against all the instincts in your little body and get you to sit right there and not move an inch towards the birdie.” Pfffffft. Hmpf.

So one of Mother’s favourite past times is getting me riled up and then getting me to do the opposite of what I really want to do. It’s VERY ANNOYING! She started with randomly asking me to sit or lie down or drop things I’m holding or not to touch things she throws at me, when I wasn’t very excited. She said if she did it when I’m “past my threshold” she’ll just get a super hyper dog running around not caring if he ran into a wall (which is kind of true). Apparently to get this to self-control thing to work it’s important to know your threshold level – that is, at what point can you be excited but still listen to your mum?

Mother’s trying to get me to do a fast drop while doing my zoomies (running around the house, jumping on furniture, going slightly mental) but she’s not been very successful. Well, duh! Clearly by that point I’m like WAAAY in the orbit of ultra excitement and not even thinking. Try again next time Mother! 

Here’s a video of Mother torturing me with this self control stuff. She actually does something like this every morning before she goes to work, that cruel cruel woman! She’ll get a toy that can hold treats (like the turtle that you can stuff with squeaker eggs, or the bag with a rope and a ball attached to it at the end) and will stuff a small piece of pig’s ear or tendon in it. Then she’ll make me sit, and will toss the toy with the treat so tantalizingly close to me and will tell me to leave it!! *screams* Then she walks further away and calls me to her, making me walk right past the toy with the yum yums!! THEN she’ll wait until I sit and look at her before she says I can take the toy!! ARGH!!!

Woohoo! I want to now be called RAMBO! (Though it will be very confusing for Mother whose favourite mouse is called Rambo) I received my first BATTLE WOUND! On my neck too! So hot. So macho. I’ll have a sexy scar to show off to the ladies this weekend at the dog run!

Remember that crazy little jack russell terrier hanging off me in the video I posted not long ago? The sister of the brother I was annoying? Yes, well, she actually BIT ME! 2 weeks ago! YES! I KNOW! HOW COOL IS THAT! What? Not cool? Why is everyone like Mother!! She also thinks it’s not cool. She thinks I’m nuts too for the following reasons (I quote):

1. “You didn’t yelp or whine or anything! You just took it silently?!? You? Drama queen of the year? The dog that tripped over his own feet while being chased by a husky and screamed bloody murder and made me think you broke your leg when all you got was a tiny scratch!??”

2. “How can you continue to hound the brother and hang around the sister the whole time they were at the dog run?? I remember that day – you didn’t want to leave their table until they had left! Why would you want to be near the dog that just bit you??”

3. “You crazy little mutt! You even played with the JRT that bit you last week!! Don’t tell me you can’t remember the scent of the one that attacked you? Is this like some sort of canine Stockholm syndrome where you love the dog that attacked you??”

Mother doesn’t actually blame the JRT for biting me, because she says I deserve it for annoying the crap out of the JRT’s brother. It’s not a deep wound anyway. My collar got in the way and she thinks only two fangs punctured my neck. We went to the vet and he shaved off a bit of fur there (I told him not too much because I still want to look super handsome) and gave me an antibiotic jab that made me woozy and lethargic. I missed the sheltie gathering because of that (and the rain)!

I’m all better now if you were wondering. It’s healed nicely and Mother thinks there actually won’t be a scar. DANG IT!

OH YES!! Did I tell you? I was trying to push the boundaries and test the water last weekend! Being my naughty rebellious adolescent self, I was on Mother’s couch in her room doing my cute digging thing and amusing her while she watched me with her camera in hand. Then!! Guess what I did!! GUESS!!

I LIFTED MY LEG AND PEED ON THE COUCH AND THE COUCH PILLOW!! Teeheeheeheehee. Boy it was hilarious! I was looking right at Mother when I did it! You should have seen Mother’s face! Her jaw dropped and her eyes were wide like saucers! Then of course, she gathered her wits and before the last trickle of pee left my body, she said Bad Boy! picked me up and dumped me in my time out area. I was given a 45 minute time out!! But you know, between you and me, it was well worth it!! Heehee. SSSSHHH!!!!

Me: Mum, I’m getting giddy from going around and around.

Mother: One more time Romeo, WEAVE!

Me: No Mother. I don’t want to do it anymore.

Mother: C’mon boy. It’s fun!

Me: Explain to me how weaving through your legs is fun.

Mother: It’s like dancing!

Me: But you just stand there.

Mother: We do it with me standing first, then you weave through my legs while I walk! So cool right?

Me: Mum, I’m getting giddy from going around and around.

Here’s a brighter video of the door closing. Mother is very eager to fade out the pink coaster target because I have developed a liking for Blutack.